Quitting Because You Can

And maybe because you should

This was written over the course of a few weeks and delivered to you on March 23rd. I think this sets the example that quitting is not always a slow/fast process!

On the first day of March I quit my job in community mental health. I sent a resignation letter to the important people. I both asked for and thanked them for their grace. I began the process of rejoining my clients after a 3 month medical leave, offering closing sessions for processing and planning. I could have never predicted I’d be writing this down, as I had felt for so long that pushing through the work was what was best for my clients, my community, and my work relationships.

If you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that I went on medical leave for anxiety and depression in November. I hopped on a plane to CDMX, tried to shake off the dread of abandoning my post. I spent the next two months drenched in anxious sweat, my nervous system completely shot and unstable. I was reduced to lying in bed until noon most days. I was tearful and inconsolable. I oscillated between anger and fear. I worried constantly that I would never get better.

Walks were a great source of relief, once I was able to leave my house.

It may be a magic combination of things that have relieved my anxiety: I had a hopeful conversation with my supervisor in early February about next steps, the weather started warming up, and I accidentally stopped taking my ADHD medication. Not realizing how the latter rather fueled my anxiety, I realized it wasn’t worth the trade off for focus. The tight grip that was constantly vibrating my limbs and torso finally let go. I’ve been at ease.

I’ve gone to coffee shops just to get out of my house (this makes me think of

Nic Marna

’s recent share on

Milking It

) and didn’t mind spending the money I didn’t have. This is an activity that has more recently caused me a lot of social anxiety, but that has subsided. I’ve made plans with friends. I’ve said yes to going out to bigger social events. I’ve even made it to the grocery store without my spouse as anxiety support. We’re doing some good work here, right?

As I spent these months connecting with people, rebuilding my sense of self, one thing surprised me quite a bit: when I told regular old every day people my caseload and number of billable hours per week, they always responded with “What! That’s too much! How do you do that?!” So often and so much that I ended up starting to think, oh my god, how did I do that? I am not permitted to share a family member’s health struggle here, but I did all of that while being a support person for someone experiencing a serious illness, mourning four deaths, and having an increase in chronic pain in my body. So, was it best to push through the work was what was best for my clients, my community, and my work relationships? Not one bit.

During my leave we reworked and reorganized the home office (in progress shot here). Look at my family. There’s nothing more important in the whole world, I don’t think, than who and what we belong to.

I decided, with the support of my family, therapist, and spouse, that working as much as I have during a time where I am needed both by myself and family is not making for a well-oiled machine. I decided to open my private practice, Peko Therapy, where I could work significantly less and be able to be present for my family. I am really excited about this new journey. I am a bit terrified to manage the logistics of it all. But, I am willing to take the risk at the chance of reclaiming my wellness, being present for those I love, and being able to provide the best care for my clients.

I didn’t think that I could quit. I didn’t think I had the money or the time or the skills. I don’t have the money, that’s for sure. It was also my allegiance to the work, to the employer, and to capitalist structures that I think are rarely acknowledged and discussed in mental health. The allegiance was automatic. It caused friction and distress within me. It didn’t support me or my wellness. The only allegiance that will hopefully be important is the client-therapist alliance I’ll build with a new set of people this spring. I can’t wait. I am so looking forward to seeing how I can be of help to them.

Some people do just really quit because they can. They get whiff of the slightest of funks and they’re out. I can be in a burning room with my colleagues and say “this is fine! we can put this out and keep going!” If you’ve worked in restaurants, you get it. But realizing you CAN quit because it’s okay to, you have the power to, only you can give yourself the permission to choose what is best for you, is something else. What’s more special and important is when your employer says to you that they understand, they care about your wellness and want you to be able to choose for yourself. Because you can. You can choose for yourself.

My greatest gift over the last few years has been, and I boast it ALL THE TIME,

Jessica Dore

’s tarot reflection group for the major arcana. Her spring group is sold out (as it should be!) and that space has taught me so much about how to read the card for what I both know and see in the imagery. In my process of trying to decide how to handle on random day in the the past month, I pulled three cards asking the questions:

1. Where should I be focused today?

2. How can I engage with it?

3. What do I need to be focused or engaged with it?

I shuffle my very large Rider-Waite deck I got at Border’s in 2001 (RIP). It’s too big for my hands, but I have a method that works. Once sufficiently shuffled, I set the deck down and using the palm of my right had, I slide it outwards in a fanning motion. I choose the three cards I notice are creating large gaps in the row, as if they’re emitting some energy that will be the right one for these questions.

Whatever it is that tarot does, it does it well. It opens up our mind to answers to questions we may not have thought. Both sometimes creepy and satisfying! In the order of the questions I was answering, my cards acknowledged focusing on difficulty in new projects or situations, needing to engage in reflection and scholarship, and utilizing a trusted figure/leader to guide me through the process. It was with this read that I was encouraged to reach out to other solo practitioners and make new connections wherever possible. This is a difficult venture. It cannot be done alone.

Other spiritual goods include:

• During this time of great change I have been listening to Another Michael. I am able to get those big tears out while singing Angel and feeling like the luckiest person on earth singing Water Pressure.

• Coming to the coffee shop every Tuesday morning to write this little newsletter that you all get on Sundays. Lennon is always working and on this particular Tuesday, our national holiday 311 Day, Lennon is playing 311 radio, which reminds me of my spouse. Fulfilling a long standing dream/joke, we got engaged on 311 Day and Nick Hexum recorded a video opening for our wedding reception where he welcomed our guests, talked about loving your life and each other, and made me cry to bits. Happy 311 Day!

  • As a follow up on March 18th, I am watching three regulars who share a table, chat, read, and refill beverages, come and go. They’re here almost every week and I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of flexible camaraderie.

• I am working on my first offering: a grief writing group for multiracial/mixed-race adults. I am grateful for any insight anyone may have! It feels important both to myself and to the work I do, and I don’t necessarily see enough nuanced spaces honoring this experience.

So, that’s it. If you’re reading this I have said farewell to my work in community mental health. I will miss my clients so much. I am grateful for the ones who made time to close out with me and I will be hoping the best for the ones I did not get to connect with. Therapy is a weird thing: you’re there to repair something or understand something so you can feel or cope differently. But it’s also very personal, very political, and the relationship hopefully transcends the containers it is bound to. What are you engaged in that transcends it’s physical limitations?