Checking in, checking up
A quick hello in time for spring
I’ve been tucked away from my exposures to the world. For the first time in a long time, I am viewing the internet in doses without showing myself. It’s an interesting position. I have been allowing myself to exist in a way that is that of a curious child in 1996 enjoying their first in-home computer. Soaking it in rather than putting out anything to soak up.
This week my therapist told me I wasn’t as funny as I used to be. We both laughed, because wow, Laura! What a dig. I explained that I felt perhaps that comes from growth in not needing to use humor to protect myself any longer. I am still funny, she said, but there’s a seriousness that wasn’t there before.
I still crave validation. I still long to be admired and to be captivated by that admiration. I reach deep and consider how my appearance has changed since I disengaged the internet maximally and switched to minimal presence. My perception of myself has shifted so much. I am a little afraid to put myself out there where everyone can feast upon me with their eyes and their minds and what kind of feedback will come out. Will an old lover be stunned? Will an old friend think greedily that they are doing better than me? Will I be a laugh for someone?
There are many privileges that I have and maintain and I don’t want to disregard that there are real bodies experiencing fear of exposure. Unmasking has been trivial, confusing, painful, and raw. I still retain so much of who I used to be just in case. Just in case I need to pretend to be someone I am not so I can be safe. It’s just a joke, I might say. But it’s not really funny, is it?
As I write I can’t recall who subscribes to this newsletter, but what I know is that if you choose to read this, that’s enough validation for me. If you choose to not read it, but let it slip into your inbox, that is enough validation for me. I was so eager to be seen by someone all those years that it feels strange to be so eager to not be perceived. To not be held in the admiration that other people can offer. Mostly because that means there’s an opportunity for conflict.
I realized, and it’s been solidified by the teachings I’ve received in school, that people believe their problems lie in someone else. If only someone else would change the things they do or the way that they behave. Then I would be okay! But alas, that is not it. I gave up control in the last two years. I cannot make my partner BE happy, but I can show my love. I cannot make my family be kinder, but I can be kind and set good boundaries. I cannot make my friends leave their shitty boyfriends, but I can be there to hold them or let them know that I can’t hold them if it keeps happening. I have been as much a part of the problem as anyone.
Changing the way that I interact with the internet has been good and troubling at the same time. I can soak up a good amount of TikTok so much that I have “that’ll do it, you do not have to worry about me!” and “in my womblands” (problematic) and “I think I left my consciousness in a sixth dimension” over and over again. I can’t listen to that Caroline Polachek song anymore, you might know the one. But separating myself from people I know IRL in the virtual world has bettered my interactions with them IRL. I am not holding my digital perceptions of them or considering how they perceive my digital identity when we’re together.
You are not missing out on anything by cutting down your virtual time for your health. I log back in once a month to my IG account to see how things are going with my friends in far away places. I post a little something so they know I am okay. I am trying to think of the internet as a portal for connection, but not a constant stream of connection. I want to output what is useful while I input what is rich and good and important. I used to talk to my screen hoping someone would listen, so when I see someone doing that, I try to listen all the way through. We all want to be heard.
Good Things
I am wildly obsessed with Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. Video games, best friends, lovers, early 90s tech and gaming culture, considerations of appropriation and culture, disability, self-discovery—-I sobbed when it was over in the best way I could. I love Sam, Sadie, and Marx and I am beat up that Zevin hurt me that way, but I can’t recommend this enough. It’s out in July 2022. Keep an eye out.
The Equinox has passed and it’s now springtime. If you didn’t know, because I didn’t, equinox and solstice are different. The more you know! I can’t tell you why off the top of my head, but that’s something I want to get better at.
I bought this keyboard that lights up because I am a whole adult who can do what I want with the little tiny bit of money I have, even if it means I haven’t paid a student loan in years. Thanks to my brother for sharing this tech knowledge.
Thanks for allowing me to check in with you. I hope there is joy and goodness where you are, and if there’s not, know that everything changes and sometimes you just have to pay attention.
A